My Thighs Need a Little More Lightning and a Lot Less Thunder

Help! Help!  Help!

First, an update.  Since last February, when I started my diet, I have lost 25 pounds.  25 pounds!  Hooray!  While I am proud of myself, and so happy to be under 200 lbs (yes, I can admit it now, I was over 200...remember I'm only 5'3), I need to do more.  And I need to do it faster.  The weight that I have lost is no small potatoes, but it took me almost a year.  This is mainly due to the fact that I lost motivation and will power several times, plus, yes I'm going to say it again, I love donuts.

I don't want anyone to think that when I say "faster" that I am planning on doing any unhealthy dieting.  No starving myself (haha, like I could ever manage that), no diet pills or weird fad diets.  The main thing I need to do to lose weight faster is to stay focused.  As I said, it took me so long to lose what I did because I kept taking breaks.  And the breaks got longer and longer, and were filled with more and more donuts, fries, and sitting on my butt in my yoga pants.

So this is where you all come in.  I need motivation!  I need focus!  I need donuts...um, I mean...vegetables!  Let me tell you what I'm looking for.  I know I've said this before, but inspirational quotes or personal success stories would be wonderful.  I would LOVE suggestions for fun workouts that give good results (hula hoop, anyone?), and even a workout buddy or two.  *just a side note.  DO NOT suggest Cross Fit.  You Cross Fit people are part of a cult, I'm pretty sure.*  I would also take donations to my Cardio Barre fund.  Just throwing that out there.  Finally, I would love healthy recipes.  I have some stipulations on the recipes though.  They can't be too complicated.  It's  really hard to cook with the babe crawling around.  Second, the food has to actually taste good.  Weird suggestion, I know.  I especially like healthy recipes that don't actually taste like diet food...I have a few so I know they exist.  Please give me more! Third, I don't want Paleo recipes, especially if they have a million grams of fat in them.  You Paleo people...also a cult.  And finally, and most importantly, I don't want recipes with any damn cauliflower in them.

I know I'm asking a lot from you, my few and faithful readers, but keep this in mind:  If you need inspiration, focus or, yes, donuts,  I will be there to supply those for you in return.  I want and need to get healthier.  Anyone who feels that they need to make a healthy change, let's do it together.  And yes, I realize how horribly lame and cheesy that sounds, but I'm going to stick by it anyway.  Please post your motivations, successes, recipes, and even your failures (especially if they are funny), either here or to the blog link on Facebook.  Here's to another 25 pounds!!!

Hula Hoopery

Alrighty, as promised, here is my report on my hula hoop workout.  Let me just start out by saying that I when I bought the system I realized that there was going to be some level of lameness associated with this work out.  I had no idea, however, that it was going to be as lame as it was.

In my defense, hula hooping has actually started to become a "thing" in the work out world.  Hula hooping is supposed to be great for stabilizing the core and slimming the waist.  Since I carry lots of fat in the waistular area, plus I'm AWESOME at hula hooping, I thought this workout would be great for me.  And the system I bought not only had a weighted hoop (for added intensity!) but it also came with a  DVD that claimed to give you a full body work out.  I was totally game!

The first thing I noticed about this workout was there wasn't a whole lot of hooping going on.  Silly me for thinking that a hula hooping workout would contain actual hula hooping.  There was a lot of using the hoop (the instructor kept calling it a "tube") to do lame aerobics moves which you will see on my lovely sample video.  And yeah, I guess it was working my whole body, but it was super hard to take anything they were doing seriously.  I think I'm going to have super toned eyeballs though, as I did A LOT of eye rolling throughout the workout.  You will see what I mean.  Bad.  So bad.  To be fair, the actual hooping part is tough and does work the core muscles quite well.  As for the rest of it...well I hope you get a good laugh!

Motivation Meltdown

I need help!  I have gone several months now without losing any weight.  I haven't gained any, so that is a plus, but I am still quite a few pounds away from where I would like to be.  I am in the midst of a full motivation meltdown and I need your help.

It all started with Cardio Barre.  As you all know,  I am a major barre addict.  I finally found something that I enjoy doing, that makes me feel great, and kicks my butt.  However, Cardio Barre is expensive and once all my Groupon deals ran out I haven't been able to afford to go as often as I would like.  And that made me a little depressed.  As in, I really felt like I was going through barre withdrawals.  And then I stopped going almost completely.  And then all those muscles that were getting lean and toned all too quickly started going back to flab.  And that made me want to eat donuts and French fries and drink lots of caffeine instead of my wonderful water that I love.  It's amazing how quick and easy it is to fall into all the old bad habits.

So here is what I'm going to do.  First of all, I'm going to dust off, once again, my big old mug and start my water habit.  I'm going to start with a small, doable goal of working out twice a week...even if it's not my beloved Cardio Barre.  After I break in those habits, I'm really going to knuckle down on the diet part. 

So this is what I need from YOU.  Motivation!  That includes any personal triumphs, things that have worked for you to stay on track, favorite recipes or workouts, words of encouragement, or just a good old fashioned kick in the butt.  Let's do this together!  (oh wow, that was nerdy) 

P.S.  I have recently purchased a fitness hula hoop (with instructional DVD!).  I have not tried it yet, but already I can see it inspiring an interesting, if not hilarious blog post.  Stay tuned...

No Intervention Necessary!

I am an addict.  A Cardio Barre addict.  It used to be when people would say that they were addicted to working out, I not only thought they were crazy, but I also kind of
hated them a little.  I mean, being addicted to chocolate, Dr. Pepper and pajama pants was totally understandable, but working out?  What was wrong with these people?!?!  For
me, those exercise addicts fell into the same "I Loathe You" category as the people that like to go around saying, "Oh I just hate it when I forget to eat!"  Like really, who
forgets to eat?  They must not have any donuts in their cupboards.

But the time has come.  Although I still never forget to eat (I don't think that's EVER going to happen), I am now one of those crazy work-out addicts.  So long as that
workout is Cardio Barre. I can't get enough.  I leave each class already plotting when I can go to another session.  I have been working on ditching my Massage Envy
membership and my gym membership just to fund my Cardio Barre addiction.  And I can't stop talking about it.  I find myself bringing it up repeatedly in conversations, even
when no one seems even remotely interested.  I can't help it. I love the barre!

First of all, let me clear something up.  Cardio Barre is NOT the stripper pole workout.  The reason I am bringing this up is I have had several people operating under the
assumption that I have been going to such classes and they have wanted to see my "moves".  No.  Just no.  Cardio Barre does not use a pole, it uses a barre (the extra letters
on the end of the word "bar" is what makes it classy) and the routine is ballet and pilates based.  There is no twirling or sliding on the barre and absolutely no glitter,
fruit-flavored or otherwise.  So get your minds out of the gutters you filthy animals.

I will admit that I was very hesitant to try Cardio Barre when a friend first mentioned it to me.  It seemed like one of those places that people who were already in shape
went to work out.    Plus I don't like working out in public.  With all the sweating and my jiggly bits doing their sweaty jiggly dance, it's really hard for me to do the
workout thing with an audience.  So Cardio Barre was scary.  Not only was I forced to work out with other people, but I was convinced that those "other people" were going to
be a bunch of stuck up skinny girls.  I am so happy to say that I was wrong.  Cardio Barre is full of people of all shapes, sizes and fitness levels, and I have yet to meet
even one stuck up person.  Oh and did I mention the workout itself is awesome?  Because it is! 

I am not going to lie, it is definitely an ass-kicker of a workout.  It works muscles I didn't even know I had.  I love it!  Most of the instructors are so cute and positive
(I say most, because there is one instructor that is really kind of ewwww...) and they make me work tons harder than I ever would on my own.  Even though I still have a long
way to go, it's so encouraging to see the changes in my body.  Everything is getting tighter (and smaller!) and I'm  definitely getting stronger.  I have had a sciatic nerve
problem for a few years and now after 2 months of the barre it barely even bothers me. Yay!

One thing that has really helped is setting goals for myself in class.  My first one was to be able to make it through the bar thighs section without collapsing in a
sweaty, jiggly heap.  Done!  My next one was to make it through the cardio section without looking like I'm having a sweaty, jiggly stroke.  Done! (unless I have the ewww
instructor that doesn't lead very well.  But in that case I blame the stroke-like behavior on her)  My current goal is to make it through the outer thigh lifts without the
side of my butt cramping up and giving out.  Still a work in progress!

So now you know why I love Cardio Barre.  I will admit that it is still really hard for me to work out with a bunch of people.  And it is even harder for me to have to watch
myself in the mirror when I am at the barre.  Whenever the instructor says, "everyone keep your eyes off the floor" I know it's aimed at me.  But I am working on it.  Maybe a
little more self confidence will be my next class goal.  Maybe.

And one final update...I am now down a total of 20 lbs from when I first started trying to lose weight.  It is slower going than I hoped for, but so long as it's going, that
is all that matters.

I am curious, does anyone else have any particular workouts they love?  Please share!

Crappy-Mox

I have hit a small speed bump in the diet.   Some of you may know that a few years ago I was diagnosed with Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, which I know sounds super scary.  I mean, it has the word TUMOR in it, right?  This condition doesn't involve tumors at all.  I won't get into the nitty gritty of it, but pretty much this condition was making my optic nerve swell and part of my vision kept blacking out.  Now my vision is fine, and I haven't shown any symptoms for years, except one.  My optic nerve is not flat.  This bothers my eye specialist to no end because he can't tell if that is just my normal or if I still have some lingering effects of my condition.

Enter the speed bump.  Diamox.  Diamox is a drug used to treat Pseudo Tumor Cerebri.  I had to take boatloads of it when I was first diagnosed and it SUCKS.  JR and I call it Crappymox because of all of its wonderful side effects.  The doctor has now put me on it again just to see if it can flatten my optic nerve even more.  He also told me to lose weight (duh, already working on it!), and since I'm a horrible patient, I argued with him and told him it almost impossible to lose weight on Diamox.  Here is why:

It's super hard to stay hydrated with Crappymox.  It gets rid of all of the excess fluid in your body and then some.  Even with my gigantor Maverick mug its hard to keep up.  The first time I went to Cardio Barre after starting Crappymox my muscles were screaming!  Not the "this is a good workout" kind of hurt, but more like the "when is this over so I can go die" kind of hurt.

Crappymox causes tingling in fingers, toes and face.  It feels like the stabby pins and needles you get when your foot falls asleep. This is exacerbated by physical activity (ie; running), so the more I use my hands and feet, the more tingling I get.  Super fun!

Crappymox also causes fatigue.  I'm not talking the dopey medicine-head tiredness you get from Benadryl or pain meds.  It takes all your energy and doesn't give it back, usually without warning.  I'm fine and feeling good one minute and totally wiped out the next.  Love my Crappymox!

Crappymox either causes constipation or diarrhea.  It's hard to lose weight with the first one, and TERRIFYING to work out with the second.  'Nuff said.

In all fairness to the Crappymox, I have to admit it does have one great diet advantage.  I can't drink soda.  It won't cause any bad side effects, but somehow the drug makes soda seem like its flat, plus it tastes like its been laced with battery acid.  Diet drinks are the worst!  It's like battery acid with a handful of dirty pennies thrown in.  Yum!

So don't tell my doctor, but despite my complaining and all the yucky side effects, I have still lost weight.  That's because I'm awesome!  Down 18 lbs total.  Go me!

This is a picture of me with a "Farewell to Soda"  dirty Diet Coke from Straws

Smoothie Snobbery

First, an update.  My tools to help me get myself back on track have been somewhat successful.  Hooray!  I was better at meal planning, and although I'm still far from perfect at adhering to my meal plans, it did help.  I also broke out the monster Maverick mug and the water has been flowing!  As for the third goal (getting back on the treadmill) I didn't do so hot.  I've been limited on my running because I'm old and fat and I keep getting things like pinched nerves and shin splints.  HOWEVER, I have done two classes at Cardio Barre which kicks my butt plenty.  Oh and I'm down about 3 more lbs.  Hooray!  Anyway, on to the blog...

I will admit it.  In the past, I have had the opinion that people who drink green smoothies are a little bit snobbish.  With their fancy Vitamix blenders and chia seeds, I couldn't help but think they were being a little bit stuck up.  What is up with the fancy mason jars?  Like, is a glass not good enough for your concoction of blended green things and soy milk? 

I do, however, think that mixing your fruits and veggies into a drinkable glass of yum is a great idea.  It's kind of like drinking a V8, except...good.  I really started getting into it when I was pregnant with the babe.  Partially because if I went to get Hokulia shave ice and pork tacos from Café Rio (my pregnant lady addictions) then at least I knew I had at least one nutritious thing in my diet.  Although I'm no longer pregnant, I still find it's an easy way to get good things into my body.  I like to make myself a green smoothie, add a granola bar, and call it lunch.

I'm trying not to be a green smoothie snob.  First of all, I do not have a fancy blender. I have a Magic Bullet or Magic Rocket or Rockety Bullet Magic or something like that.  I realize that it sounds more like an appliance for the bedroom rather than the kitchen, but I promise it is just a blender.  And it is definitely NOT magic, but it does get the job done.  Second, I try to keep it simple and I don't generally use super fancy ingredients.  I have researched green smoothie recipes, and although they do look delicious, most of them just seem like too much work for something that isn't a cheeseburger.
Third, no fancy jars for me.  My glass I got free with my Italian soda at the Spaghetti Factory works just fine, thank you.  (When you read that did you get a craving for spaghetti with browned butter and mizithra from Spaghetti Factory??  I did.)

So here is what I do for my green smoothie:  1 cup fruit of choice.  In the winter I buy frozen fruit (no sugar added), but I do like fresh better.  1 cup spinach or kale.  Who am I kidding?  I don't buy kale.  Who buys kale??  I only use spinach as it's affordable, it lasts a long time and is not stuck up.  1 cup vanilla almond milk.  I realize that the unsweetened or the light versions of almond milk are better for you but I think they taste like spit.  I add a splash of water to make it blend a little smoother, and there you go!  A perfectly healthy, un-snobbish green smoothie!

P.S.  If you own a Vitamix blender, I am jealous of you.  If you own kale and chia seeds, well, I love you anyway. 

I Deserve This!

I am sad to say that I have been totally unmotivated for the last two weeks.  I haven't been running and my diet has gone straight to hell.  I was down two extra pounds...but not anymore.  Ugh!  Today after eating Fiesta Ole (yum!), a Dunford donut (double yum!!) and a very regrettable and unsatisfying Hot Pocket (when is eating a Hot Pocket ever a good idea??), I have finally found myself low enough to kindle a spark of motivation.  Time to refocus!  Okay maybe after this next donut...

As I am trying to get myself back on track I find myself contemplating why I often lose my way on the diet path.  I mean, besides the obvious fact that burgers, fries and donuts are delicious and carrots, yogurt and tofu are lame, of course. 

I deserve this.  I've earned this.  I need this to feel better.

Yes, folks, my name is Kelly and I am an emotional eater.  The mindset of I deserve this pizza/chocolate/french fry because I had a bad day/good day is the number one way I derail my diet.  EVERY TIME.  I know that I'm doing it and that I shouldn't, but it always seems like a good idea at the time.  Sometimes I feel like my diet would benefit more from a shrink than a personal trainer.  Although I desperately want to change this behavior, there is always a part of me that just as desperately wants to hang on to it.  Because food equals love.  Because when I have to take a pile of allergy meds and get a billion allergy shots in 2 hours I really do feel like I deserve a chocolate sundae.  And when I work 14 hours at the Summer Blow Out Sale I really do feel like I've earned pizza and a giant Dr. Pepper.  And when I have a 2 lb baby in the NICU I really do feel like that hamburger and fries is going to make me feel better (it doesn't!).

I am not meaning to make this blog post depressing.  I really am feeling more focused and motivated and I think that recognizing self-defeating behavior is helpful. I do think that people should treat themselves.  Food is meant to be enjoyed and shouldn't be an enemy.  I just need to learn how to make those naughty foods more of an occasional reward and less of a "need".  So far I haven't figured out how to do that.   However, I have three things I am going to do this week to help myself stay on track:
1.  Stricter menu planning for myself.  It's harder to be naughty when I already know what I'm going to eat.
2.  Get my butt back on the treadmill.  This is for lots of reasons, but if I happen to need a chocolate sundae then at least I can kick my metabolism up a notch.  Hooray.
3.  Drink more water.  I used to be the water queen.  Time to break out my beloved 100 oz Maverick mug!

If anyone has had any success with changing self-defeating behaviors I would be open to suggestions!
I promise the next post won't be so lame. 

Going Garbanzo

So apparently there are a lot of cauliflower lovers out there.  Who knew? Since my last blog I have had quite a few people try to sell me on the "virtues" of cauliflower and cauliflower recipes. To those people I have this to say: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, yours just happens to be wrong! (Neener, neener)

However, since last week was dedicated to a healthy recipe fail, I thought it only fair to dedicate this week to a healthy recipe victory.  The recipe: Chocolate Chip Blondie

As I started out, I realized that once again I was faced with using an ingredient that has no business being in a recipe for something delicious.  The imposter this week: the chickpea.  In case you didn't know, chickpea is just a fancy name for a garbanzo bean. And garbanzo is just code for "stinky little bean that isn't good in anything except Indian food".  Also once again, the poser ingredient was standing in for the flour. Flour is code for "tasteless ingredient that somehow turns recipes into awesome, not to be substituted with cauliflower which tastes like bum".

After last week's cauliflower catastrophe, plus knowing, as I do, about the code word for stinky little bean that isn't good in anything except Indian food, I was a little bit nervous about making this recipe.  But the recipe was simple and most of the ingredients seemed pretty fool proof, so I persevered.  The result: yummy peanut buttery, chocolatey goodness that was moist and delicious and didn't taste anything like stinky beans. Label me IMPRESSED. The imposter bean knows his business!

Of course after the garbanzo bean thing worked out, the next logical step would be to google  "garbanzo bean pizza crust", right? I hope so, because that's what I did.  I found about a garbanzillion (see what I did there?) recipes for pizza crust that used garbanzo bean flour of all things.  I had no  idea such a thing existed.  I'll have to try it out and see if it tastes like stinky beans.

Here is a picture of my beautiful treat.  Be jealous!

Cauliflower FAIL

In the past, cauliflower has been one of the less desirable vegetables.  Rightly so.  As a pasty, wanna be version of broccoli, it's kind of like the nerd of vegetables. Plus it tastes kind of like bum.  It used to be the only bearable way to eat cauliflower was to smother it in cheese, and even then it still had a slight flavor of bum.

 But now cauliflower is getting a makeover.  People are using it to make garlic bread type things, ham fried rice and pizza crust.  And why wouldn't cauliflower want to be a carb?  Carbs are awesome, especially in bread form.

I have never been a fan of the no carb thing.  I think that depriving your body of things it needs is a really bad idea.  Plus, did I mention I like donuts?  I do, however, agree with trying to eat a few less carbs, and trying to make those carbs healthy ones when possible.  So I'll admit, I fell for that pizza-crust-poser...cauliflower.

 In the spirit of full disclosure I have to say that a small part of me was attracted to the cauliflower crust thing only because that meant I could put more cheese and toppings on my pizza.  But that's beside the point.   My sister sent me a recipe for cauliflower pizza crust that guaranteed to be golden, crispy, pick up and eat pizza crust.  I was game.  I mean, if you could eat a vegetable that tastes like crispy, golden, delicious bread, why wouldn't you??

The first thing I found about turning cauliflower into bread is its a lot of work.  First I chopped the cauliflower.  Then put it in the food processor.  Then put it in a pot and boiled it.  Then strained it.  Then put it in a dish towel and squeezed the hell out of it.  Once the hell was all squeezed out, I squeezed it some more. Then I mixed it with other non-bread ingredients, shaped it onto my pan and baked it.  Keep in mind that while I was doing this, I was constantly losing kernels of cauliflower, so by the time I was done, me and my kitchen were covered in little white pebbles of a food that smells a bit like bum.  And my kitchen smelled like baked bum.  Once done, I had a vaguely pizza crust shaped thing that was not golden, not crispy and still tasted like cauliflower.  Gross!  Needless to say, I didn't insult my cheese and toppings by putting them on this "crust".

So please, everyone, I beg of you...KEEP CAULIFLOWER WHERE IT BELONGS!! Stop the madness!! We can't continue to let that imposter dupe would-be dieters into thinking that it can be anything but the nerdy vegetable it is.  If you need to eat something that taste like bum, smother it in cheese, but don't disrespect bread in this way.  Thank you. 

In the beginning, there was fat

Let me just start out by saying this is not a fitness blog.  I am not an expert in fitness or anything to do with fitness or being healthy.  This is my journey to getting healthier and losing weight, and if you attempt to do anything I say, well, then that's all on you.

 I have recently found myself at the heaviest I have ever been.  Combine that with the most out of shape and, coincidentally, the OLDEST I have ever been, and you got one chunky Bean.  I have started dieting and exercising, but maybe a little more half-assedly than I should. And by a little, I mean I really like donuts. So I have started this blog.  I am hoping if I have people reading (or so far, one person...thanks Meg!) that it will create more accountability on my part and help me get in shape a little faster.

I feel like my goals are realistic. I'm not trying to get down to a size zero; I know I'm never going to be super skinny.  Not only is skinny not part of my DNA, but I also like cupcakes and binge-watching Lost on Netflix too much.  Even with realistic expectations I have a long way to go. Please experience with me the joys, the pains, the struggles and the victories of losing weight and getting healthy. I would love to hear of any struggles or personal triumphs regarding weight loss that anyone would like to share.

I'm going to start out by posting pics of me to help document my progress.  This is a slight cheat, as I've been dieting for a little bit now so in my starting photo I had already lost 10 lbs.
It was really hard not to suck in for these photos!