Cauliflower FAIL

In the past, cauliflower has been one of the less desirable vegetables.  Rightly so.  As a pasty, wanna be version of broccoli, it's kind of like the nerd of vegetables. Plus it tastes kind of like bum.  It used to be the only bearable way to eat cauliflower was to smother it in cheese, and even then it still had a slight flavor of bum.

 But now cauliflower is getting a makeover.  People are using it to make garlic bread type things, ham fried rice and pizza crust.  And why wouldn't cauliflower want to be a carb?  Carbs are awesome, especially in bread form.

I have never been a fan of the no carb thing.  I think that depriving your body of things it needs is a really bad idea.  Plus, did I mention I like donuts?  I do, however, agree with trying to eat a few less carbs, and trying to make those carbs healthy ones when possible.  So I'll admit, I fell for that pizza-crust-poser...cauliflower.

 In the spirit of full disclosure I have to say that a small part of me was attracted to the cauliflower crust thing only because that meant I could put more cheese and toppings on my pizza.  But that's beside the point.   My sister sent me a recipe for cauliflower pizza crust that guaranteed to be golden, crispy, pick up and eat pizza crust.  I was game.  I mean, if you could eat a vegetable that tastes like crispy, golden, delicious bread, why wouldn't you??

The first thing I found about turning cauliflower into bread is its a lot of work.  First I chopped the cauliflower.  Then put it in the food processor.  Then put it in a pot and boiled it.  Then strained it.  Then put it in a dish towel and squeezed the hell out of it.  Once the hell was all squeezed out, I squeezed it some more. Then I mixed it with other non-bread ingredients, shaped it onto my pan and baked it.  Keep in mind that while I was doing this, I was constantly losing kernels of cauliflower, so by the time I was done, me and my kitchen were covered in little white pebbles of a food that smells a bit like bum.  And my kitchen smelled like baked bum.  Once done, I had a vaguely pizza crust shaped thing that was not golden, not crispy and still tasted like cauliflower.  Gross!  Needless to say, I didn't insult my cheese and toppings by putting them on this "crust".

So please, everyone, I beg of you...KEEP CAULIFLOWER WHERE IT BELONGS!! Stop the madness!! We can't continue to let that imposter dupe would-be dieters into thinking that it can be anything but the nerdy vegetable it is.  If you need to eat something that taste like bum, smother it in cheese, but don't disrespect bread in this way.  Thank you.